“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright

“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.” – Unknown

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“You know you’re in a fancy restaurant when they bring out a tiny portion of food on a huge plate and call it ‘artistic presentation.’ Suddenly, you feel like you’re starring in an episode of ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Portions!’” – Randy McClure

“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes

“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

“Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” – George Carlin

“There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.” – Will Rogers